Do you know? Children who avoid others will find ways for themselves to alienate others. One way to do this is to stay in your room and close the door; another way is to build an emotional distance wall in your mind to distance yourself from your emotions.
When writing this letter, you have grown in this world for 8030 days. It has flourished and withered. So, I think you must have discovered that you always shut yourself in a fortified castle, with only a few small windows on the top. You also always like to hide behind high walls and secretly examine those who come to knock on the door. Dear Myself, the original family seems to have always been a depression in your heart. The constant psychological interference from the family made you close your feelings in order to escape when you were young.
Such you tend to give yourself habitual self-protection, create a sense of superiority for yourself, and think that you are superior to those who pursue recognition and success. You seldom care about wealth and material enjoyment, and you don’t spend your limited energy on pursuing worldly items, but always devote all your time and energy to spiritual learning and pursuit.
Dear Myself, I read some words today, I don’t know if these represent your heart, but I want to share with you:
A life like stagnant water, I already knew it would ruin me
Am I happy? It’s not that I’m unhappy, I’m actually pretty happy, I go out with friends to play, watch movies, and watch funny videos, I can laugh and laugh, but these are not things that really make me feel happy, it’s like a knee jerk reaction, touch me and I’ll laugh, but laugh and then it’s over. Even most of the time, after I am too happy, I will feel more tired, I am an empty shell.
I seem to have a good chat with everyone, but they don’t seem to be my friends. When I encounter difficulties, I pretend to have passed those hurdles, deliberately appearing vulgar and uninteresting, but in fact I can’t make it.
I long for and loathe feelings. While afraid of loneliness, it is always yearning for excitement. We are all people who live by feelings. If we live badly, we are not good. Many things are unreasonable…
Dear Myself, in the past few years you always said that you are a person who follows fate.
But I think that at that time, you still failed to understand the true meaning of resignation. Simply because detachment from your emotions and world affairs is a gifted skill of yours, you don’t fight or grab. And when things really don’t go your way, you can still be suspicious and sentimental. However, you don’t seem to dislike that feeling. Maybe it’s because your emotions are too stable on weekdays, so you need more emotions to enrich yourself on boring nights, so that no matter it is sadness or joy.
Now, you seem to have really understood its meaning, and almost completely abandoned the possessiveness and loss of gain and loss that you took for granted, and reason and calmness occupy a large part of your time. The hourglass of time is like this day after day, so that the only thing you can do now is to commemorate that period of time that seems to be gone but not gone with a clumsy text.
Looking at you again now, I no longer know how to use tears or silence.